3 MONTHS INTO MY EDUCATION & ADDERALL IS CREEPING INTO MY THOUGHTS.
I am almost exactly at my 90 day anniversary for culinary school. That’s a fucking trip to think about. I am pretty fucking proud of my accomplishments. I am really diving face first into this new identity and it makes me feel really fucking great. but……
I ‘d be lying if I said this was an easy experience. I have good days and I have bad days. Some reasonings related to veganism in culinary school and others with my mental health.
I feel indescribably grateful to be learning culinary arts in San Francisco. Other days I focus on how I am different and how there is no form of education that can cater to my brain… it just solidifies my hatred towards our educational system. I have been suffering in school (since I can remember) because of my ADD and ADHD. I didn’t get diagnosed until my senior year in high school and to my father it was just utilized as an excuse to colleges as to why I was doing poorly in class. Which was honestly the case… I was doing poorly in my classes. I was capable of learning and passed without turning in most homework and scraping by on tests. I just was never capable of actually tuning in or genuinely being interested. My mind was always somewhere else. By the time I started taking medication, I was in it for all the wrong reasons. I liked the suppression of my hunger. I liked how I could run an insane amount on it if I took a little bit of my meds and smoked a little weed. Or how waking up became so easy.
There were some positives though: I could stay up focusing on a business plan idea without other distractions (instead of actually doing anatomy homework). It allowed me to pursue these ideas and passions until completion. The downside was I was a total fucking zombie. Along with complete life alterations came personality fluctuations. My moods were all over the fucking place. I’d be depressed in the morning and wired about my next entrepreneurial idea the next. Looking back on it, it wasn’t like my home life was perfect and maybe a huge portion of my moods had to do with my living situation and my past traumatic events. Because for fucks sake– I was in Alabama studying nursing running away from family issues and trying to live in the skin of a perfect human being.
I really wish I had the ability to focus and organize my thoughts and not be so fucking impulsive, and have such a ccrazzzzzyy ass imagination. And I also wish I didn’t constantly dream about what my life would be like if I was an adderall zombie.
That statement above is all a lie, I love my imagination and my creativity and impulsivity… that’s what makes me, me. But I just question when I’ll mature or if I ever will. And it’s scary to think that this impulsivity can just continue to grow until it ruins my life… because if I didn’t have such a loving supportive father, I would’ve already been on the streets.
Everyday I am in a constant battle with medication and holistic medicine. And I guess this is where my passion for mental health, stationary, & veganism stems from. I would love to build on the idea that self-expression, food, health, organization, and reflection are the way to handle different mental illnesses // I need to recreate a journal for myself so I can better treat my ADD&ADHD. And I will use this platform to document my trial and errors.
I guess I just need to have a discussion with myself about what I am doing to better my mental health and what I am not doing. Because I feel like I am free floating right now. I don’t necessarily feel depressed or down, I just feel like a ball of fucking energy bouncing from one idea to the next and I crave stability and the ability to live with confidence in all avenues of my life.