2 0 1 9 R E F L E C T I O N
I guess we can say it all started here… (we as in me and my other personalities lol). Well I’d actually say this chapter of my life started when I met a guy I had fallen madly in love with. & since this is a reflection for myself, now is the perfect time to dig up some buried emotions.
I was 21, working two jobs in LA living by myself in Culver City. Happy? Empowered. I had just shaved my head. Thinking that the dead skin attached to my body had to have had some sort of negative energy weighing me down. Which it did. I had just survived 60 days of my own personal absolute hell. I was barely standing after getting out of a terribly toxic relationship and recovering from checking my
roommate brother into rehab after his first major relapse.
I applied as a sales associate for Burton Snowboards on Melrose and as an intern (for the dopest jewelry company in Los Angeles) Vida Kush. I got both positions and being the woman I am, I was finally ready to fully embrace change. I shaved my head.
I remember constantly trying to hangout with people from work. I was so lonely, craving a good blackout and some human interaction. One day I went out with a coworker from VidaKush… She posted me on her story and immediately this guy (we’ll call him Bob) was trying to get in contact with me… and he did. He called me about 30 seconds after getting my number and asked to hangout with me. That night I blacked out. Just like I was looking to do. Throwing up on the streets of Santa Monica, my friend carried me home. (She is now one of my sisters).
After days of chatting back and forth I finally invited Bob over after I had a couple beers. We talked, we laughed, we drank… and then we kissed. and the moment our lips touched I knew I was fucked… There was this instant feeling of shelter I had with him. We were both damaged- tucking away our skeletons and carelessly using each other. We had so much fun! We snowboarded together- a lot., which brought both of us an insane amount of happiness. (Our first actual date was a 6 hour drive to the mountains and a check in at a motel 6) We were so different, polar opposites + for what one of us lacked the other one filled.
So fast forward. He’s moving to San Francisco… I joke about moving up. He moves and-
HAHA, I move next. I quit Vida Kush, and Burton allowed me to transfer to the San Francisco location. I abandoned this really empowering foundation to chase this drug/ instant gratification. AKA a
I never really knew if he actually wanted me there. I think his own insecurities liked the safety of having me on the back-burner but at the same time his own insecurities prevented him from ever really allowing himself to love me. But like I said we were both pretty fucked up individuals.
I had no one. No friends, a shitty job that took advantage of me and undervalued my work… and after Bob raped me in Cuba, I felt this constant need to be accepted and appreciated by him. Which was never fulfilled. I became desperate, my self worth was at an all time low. I was obsessive. Controlling and easily angered. I impulsively would spend money and would depend on drugs and alcohol for every low moment that passed… I bought a ticket to Japan one of the (many times) we broke up, subconsciously trying to free myself. We constantly fought and what was once a fun, effortless and fulfilling relationship, turned into a constant battle that revolved around control and mind games.
I moved out of my studio and impulsively moved into this “closet” at one of the nicest/boujie-est apartments in downtown. The kitchen was gorgeous. So to escape my 10.5X6.5 room and shitty life, I began to cook and workout. Bob went vegan. & in that time I started to eat/cook more vegan foods. Then I started to learn about vegan cheeses and started watching vegan blogs. I uncovered this passion that burned hotter than anything I had ever experienced. And then, HAHA I went vegan…. damn I’m noticing a weird trend. So time went on and toxicity built. I got fired from Burton. (Which is a whole other story on it’s own) Luckily I had my flight to Japan about two weeks after my termination. Which brings me back to one year ago today….
One year ago from today I edited my first cooking video alone in my “closet” on New Years Eve… packing for my first solo trip to Japan. Me and Bob had just gotten back together after what, our 5th breakup? I was still alone, still confused, freshly fired, and lost… but I knew if I could flee the country and make it alone, I’d be able to feel grounded, empowered again, and rediscover my self-worth.
In this past year I’ve:
- met a sister, who doesn’t know it but fueled my evolution.
- checked Japan off of my bucket list
- made a lifelong Japanese sister
- taught english at an orphanage
- crawled out of yet another toxic relationship
- re-shaved my head
- built a relationship with my dad and mom
- completely redirected my career.
- worked three different jobs in the Kitchen.
- spent a great deal of time outdoors
- launched a company
- sold some pdf planners
- made cooking videos
- built an endurance
- went skydiving
- added sustainability to my morals
- redefined my character
- added new art to my body
- put my art out there (even though its been shitty lol)
- moved into a great flat living with a great family.
- made some great friends, lost some friends.
- enrolled in culinary school
- made it through a full semester of culinary school
- got through another relapse with my brother
- found a workaway in Norway
- bought a ticket to Norway
- started a food blog
- built a website
- enrolled in a plant based program at Le Cordon Bleu in London.
- and officially decided to sell all my stuff and move to Europe.
So… cheers to the women who I’ve been, the women I am, and the women I’ll be.